By Dr. Kendra O’Hora, Ph.D., LCMFT
Reading Time: 6 minutes
I actually didn’t need to get sober in the traditional sense. The childhood I had emerged from was toxic, challenging, and chaotic but oddly enough, privileged because I was the golden child. Have you ever heard of that term?
In toxic family systems each person connected to the narcissist plays a role in feeding their ego needs (also known as narcissistic supply).
In my family, I was the golden child. The child who was given opportunities, made the family look good, and was often spared from some of the more awful, brutal traumas the other children had to endure.
To be clear, the golden child ALSO experiences abuse as a part of the narcissistic abuse cycle. The pressure they feel to keep the narcissist happy and to perform for the family creates a deep identity disconnect where DOING is far more valuable than BEING. These are people who wake up in their 40’s and 50’s saying they have no clue who they really are or what they even like.
In my case, I was manufactured into success. First, through athletic accomplishments and then through academia. But over the years my golden child status took many shapes and forms – the pretty one, the resilient one, the financially successful one, the Christian, the business owner, the WHATEVER. I was paraded around and spoke about within the family and within the community in a way that my other siblings were not.
The golden child also has to navigate other toxic dynamics that wear on their own relational safety and identity formation. For example, they are often enmeshed with the narcissist, being a container for their venting, inappropriate sharing, or moral absolution. In many cases the golden child feels stuck. They subconsciously see how much worse it could be and have been conditioned through love bombing and validation to need their own cycle of approval. They fear going against their parent or partner and the damage that could occur. Did you know the Golden Child is least likely to exit the family system? Makes sense, right? The system serves them in many ways and there can be huge risks to waking up to this reality.
The other family roles that exist in an emotionally immature family system are the scapegoat and the invisible child.
The flip side of this tragic coin is that with my elevation came another sibling’s devaluation…my sister (multiple siblings, to be honest…maybe I’ll blog about that another day).
My sister was the scapegoat and ultimately, her sobriety saved my life.
Wondering if You’re a Golden Child, Invisible Child, or Scapegoat?
It’s totally normal to wonder which role you were cast into. Sometimes the roles switch and that can be confusing, too.
If your mind is swirling and you’re having a hard time making sense of what you experienced, we’d love to help.
Book a consult with one of our experts to learn more about family roles in toxic family systems.
In the Best Way Possible, I Never Wanted to Say No
Something clicked for me. When my sister chose to get sober, everything in my body wanted to be an ally. It just made sense. How could a mental health professional turn away from someone making this bold and beautiful choice? The only thing that I wanted to do was listen and listen more. I wanted to understand her experience and really see the world through her eyes.
So I did. And we processed so much. Like oodles. We spent hours upon hours upon hours exploring our childhood, our experiences, how we saw each other, how we were taught the world, and what we endured.
I never wanted to say no. I never wanted to stop listening or being curious about the similarities and differences between our journeys.
The cool thing? It was so authentic.
She was easy to listen to and follow because everything was genuine. Her new sober mind was crystal clear. She was doing these deep inner child meditations and churning out a level of insight and awareness that I knew could take years of therapy. She was calm, regulated, open, aware, honest, and available. Things I hadn’t observed in years but were hidden deep inside.
All I had to do was be willing to walk alongside her. As a result…
I Stumbled Into My Own Healing
Ultimately, as I listened, engaged, supported, and processed, I was healing, too. I was unpacking things I hadn’t ever needed to look at. Things like – how a narcissist effectively disorients children from a safe attachment to their mother. How narcissists weaponize money. And even more sadly to this day, how narcissists pit siblings against one another.
My sister and I also unpacked years of repressed or disconnected memories. We would start to explore a memory together and simultaneously arrive at painful details that highlighted the trauma and chaos we experienced.
My Healing Isn’t Unique – Neither is Yours!
I put the lipstick on my mirror and my sister got sober. Plus, I started healing in profound ways.
Healing isn’t unique to me. It’s happening everywhere. Clients, faith communities, organizations, and communities big and small are waking up to the dangers of narcissistic abuse. For example, there is a substantial link in chronic health issues for those partnered with a narcissist – eek!
You can also claim healing for yourself. You can start the journey confused and overwhelmed and land in more peace, strength, clarity, and joy. You can feel more like you than you ever have.
That’s why we’re doing this. We want to support you. Wellness & Co. has been carefully designing a branch of the business that can meet your unique healing needs and it’s available for you to access.
There’s a weird and important bridge though to how this Wellness & Co. brand pivot came to be, stay tuned for two more blog posts on the backstory on the launching of Wellness & Co. Narcissistic Abuse Treatment branch!
Love,
Dr. K
Dr. K started Wellness & Co. with the desire to provide top-notch therapy to our local community. Now, Wellness & Co., has therapists, coaches, tutors, and professional organizers – all to provide wrap-around, boutique style care to our clients. Dr. K specializes in couples therapy, healing from infidelity, and supporting individuals through relational transitions.
