by Dr. Kendra O’Hora
Read Time: 5 minutes
I don’t think the order matters entirely, maybe it does. But here’s what happened:
- I wrote PROTECTOR in bright red lipstick on my bathroom mirror and it intentionally lived there for two full years.
- My sister got sober and it changed my life.
- I read a full collection of my sister’s poetry in my first week postpartum with Baby #2. And,
- I visualized a waiting room that I knew would one day become a hub and healing space for trauma survivors.
Let’s break it down. And in case you missed it, Wellness & Co. is expanding to serve survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and those sorting through identity confusion, chronic shame, and the effects of having an Emotionally Immature Parent. We’ve launched a brand new website designed to speak to both couples and our new passion population → check it out!
Now, let’s dive into the story…
The Lipstick on my Mirror
My older sister went through a series of awful things years ago within our family of origin. Things that I tried to piece together and make sense of but that really just left me confused and disoriented. In some ways I felt like I had slowly been primed to sign off on some of these awful things in advance, which only exacerbated my confusion. In other ways, I felt like the noise within the family was getting louder to pull me away from my own moral compass and sense of right and wrong. However, rather quickly, everything became crystal clear – our father is narcissistic.
[side bar – this is an important technicality because one thing people love to point out in clinical circles or the media is that you cannot diagnose someone who isn’t in the therapy room. Yes, even me, a therapist, cannot technically diagnose someone who isn’t being treated. So, I truly have no clue if my father will ever be officially diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder – most people are not, as they can tend to avoid and manipulate providers. But, the field now has helpful language for survivors. Terms like “[that person is] narcissistic or has narcissistic tendencies” are common, and they accurately depict the continuum or severity of behavior while still emphasizing the grave impact on those being abused. For me, language does not currently matter. I’m very clear on the impact. However, if you’re stuck or confused about what language feels best/correct in your own healing story, that’s OK. Lots of people get stuck here as it feels “wrong” to label someone or define your experience through the lens of abuse. Some clients will use the term antagonistic or prefer the label Emotionally Immature. Many of these terms are valid and we’d love to help you understand the terminology, what it means, and how to make sense of your own story. We have two Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinicians (NATC) who are happy to help.] → Book a consult to learn more
While the healing was slow for the years that followed the initial realization was not. Together, my sister and I began making sense of so.many.things.
But there was still a piece that felt really hard to digest. I was a brand new mom. I had a 14 month old as well as a newborn. I had an unsettling level of personal identity confusion that was simmering in the background of my being and now I needed to love and care for these two babies with everything I had.
The Power of a Visual Cue
So, I did a very simple thing, I gave myself a visual cue.
PROTECTOR
For two years every morning, every night, every trip to the bathroom I reminded myself through that bright red lipstick written on my mirror that I had one sole job – protecting my children.
It stayed there until I felt fully confident that I could be a protector for my children. That I could embody the essence of the healing from a place of inner knowing not fake-it-till-you-make-it energy.
You Can Set an Intention or Begin to Get Curious
Some people, like me, have the benefit of healing alongside of someone (more about that in blog post #3). I was very fortunate to be able to understand what happened to me rather quickly. Some of that was due to my decision to cut off from my family in order to focus on my healing before determining whether I could return/exist within that family system. If you’re contemplating cut off or want to learn more about why “estrangement” has become such a taboo topic, check out this blog post.
Either way, if you’re feeling ready to make a change – try setting an intention, like I did when I wrote PROTECTOR on my mirror. Your intention could be to reclaim your identity, have a successful romantic partnership, finally feel like yourself again, advocate for your children, or stand up where you once felt like you couldn’t.
OR, if you’re not really in the space of change-making and it strikes you as a bit too much right now, how about getting curious? If something has resonated in these last two blog posts it might be time to dig a bit deeper and work alongside a trained professional. We’re not here to push you toward an outcome or suggest there is one path of healing. We’re here to help you uncover your path forward.
Our Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinicians (NATC), Ariel and Jenna, are ready to hear your story, answer your questions, and help you decide what comes next. → Book here!
With love,
Dr. K
Dr. K started Wellness & Co. with the desire to provide top-notch therapy to our local community. Now, Wellness & Co., has therapists, coaches, tutors, and professional organizers – all to provide wrap-around, boutique style care to our clients. Dr. K specializes in couples therapy, healing from infidelity, and supporting individuals through relational transitions.
