By Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach, CLC, M.NLP
READING TIME: 3 MINUTES
I see and hold the experience often of partners moving at different healing speeds. Here are a few things I’ve learned working with couples…
While this imbalance may cause you to feel annoyed, angry, or even resentful towards your partner (especially when you feel like you’re doing all or most of the work), it can actually be an opportunity for more compassion, more understanding, and more closeness. Hear me out…
On your end, you might be diving into inner work, learning about your attachment style, your Enneagram type, childhood wounds, coping mechanisms, and habitual patterns, the other might be more skeptical, hesitant, or just be taking a slower, less structured approach. It’s important to know that healing at different speeds doesn’t mean that one person is more (or less!) committed than the other.
Signs of a Healing Imbalance
The more growth-oriented partner feels the need to push or “fix” the other
One partner is consistently initiating conversations about growth, while the other seems disengaged or resistant.
Frustration arises because one person is applying emotional tools while the other remains in old patterns.
There’s a feeling of emotional loneliness, as if one person is evolving while the other is stagnant.
How to Navigate Healing at Different Speeds
- Drop the Judgment
Just because one person is healing at a different pace doesn’t mean they are unwilling to grow. Judgment and pressure can often push a partner further into resistance. Instead, approach the difference with curiosity and compassion (I’ve also seen how impactful a lighthearted and positive approach can be!) - Communicate Your Experience
Express how your growth affects you and the relationship without making your partner feel like they are failing. Use “I” statements like, “I’ve been working on my triggers, and I’d love to share what I’m learning with you.” instead of “You need to work on yourself, too.” - Model, Don’t Force
People are more likely to change when they see the benefits firsthand. Instead of demanding that your partner meet you where you are, let them observe the positive shifts in you. Your growth can inspire them! - Set Boundaries Where Needed
While patience is very helpful, it’s also important to ensure that your needs are being met. If you’re consistently feeling unheard or like you’re doing all of the emotional labor, it may be necessary to set some boundaries. - Recognize Growth in Small Ways
Your partner may not be reading the same books or having regular sessions with a provider, but they might be working on self-awareness in quieter ways. Acknowledge their efforts, even if they look different from yours. - Work With a Professional
That’s why we’re here! Whether it’s helping you learn how to improve communication, have empathy, close the gap, do the work ways that fit each of your styles, or to hold you accountable – we provide you with the individualized care that each of you need for your personal and relational healing.
What matters most is a mutual willingness to understand, support, and recognize each other, even when paths look different. You might be driving a sports car on a wide-open highway, and they may be off-roading in the trails – try hopping in each other’s vehicles for a bit and see what that experience is all about!
Lastly – do regular check-ins! These are a fantastic way to stay connected, share what you’re learning, address any concerns in a calm environment, and set the stage for how you want to show up moving forward. I recommend weekly!
Big love,
Amanda
Amanda works with couples and individuals who want to build secure, connected relationships – both within themselves and with the people they love. Using the Enneagram as a powerful framework for awareness and growth, she helps clients understand their patterns, soften reactivity, and create new ways of relating rooted in compassion and emotional safety.
