by Amanda & Dylan, Relationship Coaches, Enneagram Teachers
Well hello Monday morning! Today we are tackling our third and final Do/Don’t for using the Enneagram in Relationships. Our first post spoke to the importance of infusing humor and not weaponizing. Our second post tackled the value of being curious and the danger of filling in the blank.
So now for Part III!
3. Don’t Use as an Excuse / Do Use as an Invitation for Continuous Growth
Our Type is not an excuse for behavior. This reminds us of all those memes about astrology saying, “Stop using astrology as an excuse to be a shitty person.” The same applies for your Type.
Yes, the Enneagram helps us identify traits, behaviors, and patterns but it is so much more than that, and the point of discovery is not to stay stuck in them and use them to avoid healing – the purpose is to understand the underlying motivations so you can find freedom and experience transformation. It takes us deep into the cognitive and emotional drives we experience as humans, it unlocks our somatic experience so that we can rewire our neural pathways, it relaxes our spiritual resistance, it takes us on a journey of growth that ultimately brings us back to ourselves.
One of the most important foundational concepts is to understand the difference between Type Structure and True Self. The Type Structure (or personality) is who we are when running on automatic, it is fueled by fear, and keeps us stuck in the lower levels of development with our unconscious in the driver’s seat.
Our True Self is who we really are, it’s us without the stress, worry, overwhelm, tension, and discomfort. This is the us that knows we are safe, loved, and belong and that we don’t have to do anything to be that. As we do the inner work with the Enneagram, our fear no longer keeps us from ourselves, and our True Self can take the driver’s seat in our life.
Growth is all about catching those excuses and being willing to go within to choose a new response.
Again and again, that’s how we grow.
Using it as an excuse can look like, “Well I’m a Type ___, that’s just how I am.”
Using it as an invitation for continuous growth can look like, “I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing there, I’m going to explore what I was trying to avoid.”
Remember: You get to choose to respond with love, rather than react from fear.
Big love,
Amanda & Dylan
Up Next: Be sure to check back in next week, we will be diving into conflict and sharing our 3-step repair process that we believe is what strong relationships are made of and that all relationships NEED!
Amanda works with couples and individuals who want to build secure, connected relationships – both within themselves and with the people they love. Using the Enneagram as a powerful framework for awareness and growth, she helps clients understand their patterns, soften reactivity, and create new ways of relating rooted in compassion and emotional safety.
