By Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach
One of the most common statements I hear in my consultations with couples is that “We’re stuck in a vicious cycle.” It’s an exhausting, frustrating, and defeating spot to be in for many reasons, but honestly what may be the hardest part is that couples feel like they have all the awareness for what’s happening, yet nothing is changing.
I get it. Boy oh boy, do I get it.
While each couple’s cycle will be unique to them – fueled by their relational history, family of origin, specific points of contention, and so on…how we approach cycle breaking can be looked at through the lens of repair styles. Think of it as a “DIY to conflict resolution” after you’ve talked about the tough stuff, in which you and your partner will create your own repair recipe. Yum.
Knowing your repair style and your partner’s repair style will do wonders for ACTUALLY closing the loop and moving forward with love (vs. doing the rinse and repeat cycle with arguments!).
What supports a successful conflict resolution is a soothed nervous system so as you read below, pay attention to which ones feel like ease. Notice inside if your body has a calming response to the words – you may just have found your repair style!
- Physical affection – hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, putting a hand on their leg
- Accountability – acknowledging what happened, showing empathy, taking radical responsibility
- Playfulness – laughing together, sharing something funny, being lighthearted, using humor (when appropriate)
- Action – dialoguing about what happened and creating a plan for how you’re going to show up differently the next time something similar occurs
- Appreciation – expressing gratitude to one another
- Parallel embodiment – changing your internal states by getting into an activity together such as a board game, going for a walk, or cooking, in order to come back to closeness after you’ve regulated
There’s no right or wrong repair style to have, but it is a really good idea to get a solid understanding of what you need AND what your partner needs – because it might be two totally different things and it’s important that you meet in the middle in order to make sure that BOTH of your needs are getting met. Collaboration is sexyyy.
And if you’re wondering, yes, we can have all of them! In fact – utilizing all of them would be my recommendation.
Personal preference, but for me I like having a big toolkit to pull from because life is so contextual, what works one day may not work the next. I might love a hug after a fight on Monday and on Tuesday I might really need some playfulness. AND, if I’m being completely honest, I feel fully repaired in my own relationship when I’ve connected to all six.
I’d be super curious to hear your thoughts on what helps YOU close the loop. Email me at amanda@wellnessandco.org and let me know what really spoke to you. Bonus points if you include your Enneagram type, too!
Big love,
Amanda
Amanda works with couples and individuals who want to build secure, connected relationships – both within themselves and with the people they love. Using the Enneagram as a powerful framework for awareness and growth, she helps clients understand their patterns, soften reactivity, and create new ways of relating rooted in compassion and emotional safety.
