by Dr. Kendra A. O’Hora, LCMFT

Maybe I Need a Vacation

A couple weeks ago in session I came up with this analogy and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. 

Maybe I need a vacation or maybe I’ve been in reminiscence mode thinking about my childhood at the beach…either way, let’s dive in (pun intended).

There Are Two Games We Used to Play as Children at the Beach

If you vacationed at the beach growing up you’ve probably played these two games before

The first one is that silly game you play when the wave comes crashing in and you wait as long as you can before you start running from the waters edge, hoping the water won’t catch up to you.

I love watching children play this game. It’s as if the wave is dangerous and has to be out-beat. You can watch as children test their own courage to be face-to-face with the wave as it comes tumbling in. They’ll wait as long as they can and then book it.

I equate this game to our emotions. In our relationships, we’ll allow the wave of emotion to get stinkin’ close. So close that we’re on the brink of something amazing, so close that we feel like we could be swept out to sea, so close that we’re scared and anxious. 

But then what do we do? We book it. 

We run from the emotion, inland, as quickly as possible. We secure safety and then we slowly tread back down to the shoreline, back to the waters, testing out our emotional presence once again.

The Better Game to Play at the Beach

What about that second game I mentioned? This game was just as fun. This game tested our strength, our courage, our willingness, our grit, our determination, our connection, our everything.

This is the game you played when you stood on the shoreline. You firmly planted your feet right where the sand met the water. And you let the wave come in. Over time, you sunk. Your feet sunk deeper and deeper, firming your stance and firming your embrace of the ocean. You had resolve, thinking to yourself: I must stay up, I cannot fall. 

This friends, is an emotional embrace. 

The wave comes in, the emotion hits you, and you are there. You are present. 

You notice that every wave is different. You notice that the power of the wave is always changing. You notice that your feet are stable and yet shifting all at once. You notice that the water is cool and sometimes intense. 

You notice a lot and it’s beautiful because you’re not running from the wave anymore. You are there and you are brave and powerful.

What Makes This Game Even Better?

A friend. A parent. A sibling. A cousin. Or maybe even the neighbor from the blanket next to you. 

And now, as an adult, you know that the one person that makes this game better is your best friend, your partner. 

Three Reasons to Embrace Your Emotional Experience as a Couple

So, why do it? Why stand in the wave of emotion with your partner when you could easily run?

Here’s why: 

1. When you’re standing together as a couple in the wave of emotion you are united. You know someone is there to support you, to stabilize you, to offer you a hand. This togetherness is calming, comforting, and kind. 
2. When you’re standing together you are more prepared. Your minds are different and your internal landscapes are different. Together you can see the next wave. Together you can notice things you wouldn’t normally notice. Together you are more equipped for what’s to come.
3. When you’re standing together your foundation grows. One of the hardest parts of growing is that you may be leaving someone behind. If you start growing and your partner doesn’t join you then they are on shaky ground. You know this feeling. If someone joins the game too late their feet aren’t as deep, they are not as prepared, they aren’t adjusted to the water. So, they fall. When you embrace the wave together your foundation grows, you sink deeper into connection, you establish your roles and how you’ll operate as a team. This foundation is not just helpful it’s necessary to navigate the emotional waves of your life – and there is no one better to be in that spot with than your partner.

Which Game Do You Play?

When I thought up this analogy I considered how often we are more comfortable running than sinking in. 

Recently a client shared that the term sinking sounds like dwelling to them. And appropriately so, I change the language to offer a better fit for this client.

But for me, “sinking in” to emotion means strengthening, digging deep, reaching the core, and being fully present when the wave comes in.

This is the type of sinking I’m inviting you to embrace. The kind where wave after wave does not match the courage and tenacity that you have to offer yourself.

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Did you appreciate this analogy and the invitation toward closeness? If so, we have so much more to offer you here at Wellness & Co. We’re known for empowering relationships and challenging couples to be rock solid in their bond. We have resources for couples to kickstart their growth, heal from wounds, or strengthen their bond.

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