By: Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach, CLC, M.NLP

READING TIME: 4 MINUTES

As I sit here beginning to write this blog, contemplating how I want it to begin, a song keeps coming to mind that played a huge role in the inspiration for it. These words feel like the perfect way to introduce a topic that is near and dear to my heart.

Lyrics from Cowboys Cry too by Kelsea Ballerini and Noah Kahan

Listen Here

He hides his heart and hurt ’cause he kinda had to

In a world that says “Saddle up and be a man”…

…Well I grew up wishing I could close off the way my dad did

‘Cause that man never felt a damn thing he didn’t wanna feel

But I’ve burned too many miles trying to ride out all the sadness

But you can’t outdrive pain, someday it’s gonna take the wheel

Can’t be alone but don’t wanna get close to anybody

Don’t wanna bare teeth but don’t wanna look weak, it’s a tough spot

But I’m afraid you’ll walk away when the tears start running

But I hope not

Oof. Can we just let that sit for a minute…

Maybe a minute more…

On Men & Vulnerability

There’s always themes with my work, and lately there has been a wave of men showing up, raw and real, bearing all of their fears and insecurities, leaning into their emotions to understand themselves more deeply and transform their relationships.

Do you want to hear some of the things I hear from them after they allow themselves to open up?

“Thank you for not making fun of me.”

“Thank you for not laughing at me.”

“Thank you for not judging me.”

“Thank you for not saying you don’t want me to be a client anymore.” (Said with playfulness but still, this one hurt my heart!)

“Thank you for saying that I don’t need to get over it.”

“Thank you for saying that what I feel doesn’t matter.”

“Thank you.”

I’m not kidding. I hear a variation of thank you almost every single time they authentically connect to their vulnerability.

Little do they know that I’m sitting there, holding back my own tears, at the beauty I’m witnessing. Though sometimes I do tell them this.

On my end?

It’s reverence; deep respect, admiration, awe.

And it’s hope.

Hope for their healing, hope for their relationships, hope for the future and a world where men no longer shame themselves or hide themselves for having feelings.

From a young age, men are often inundated with messages about how they should think, behave, and express themselves. These societal norms dictate notions of masculinity that can be limiting and detrimental not only to men but also to their relationships and mental well-being.

Many cultures promote the idea that “real men” do not show emotions, particularly vulnerability, sadness, or fear. Phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry” reinforce the belief that emotions are a sign of weakness. As a result, many learn to suppress their feelings.

Emotional suppression and lack of communication can create barriers in relationships. When men struggle to express their feelings or engage in vulnerable conversations, their partners may feel disconnected or unheard. This can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and ultimately, relationship dissatisfaction.

On the flip female side, what I see is women wanting to know and understand their partner more. When it happens? Well, it enhances emotional connection, builds trust, and strengthens the overall bond. To name a few.

Words I often hear from men are “What’s the point? It will only be used against me anyways.” And it made me realize that sometimes they’ve never had a safe container to express themselves. It makes sense why they might be scared. Then I connected the dots – our role is to be that safe space for them to share themselves so tenderly and openly. It can be scary as heck for all of us to be vulnerable, regardless of who we are or what we identify as. Our sensitivity deserves to be held with care, curiosity, and compassion. We all need that. We need to be each other’s safe spaces. And what do I get to see in session when their male counterparts are showing their heart? Love deepens. Respect deepens. Connection deepens. Forgiveness deepens. (Maybe I should write another blog on the role of vulnerability in healing from infidelity? Hmmm…) 

But when he’s showing his skin, letting me in

That’s when he’s toughest to me

This is what I see that women want. What women see as strength. Your vulnerability.

My wish is that you start seeing it that way too.

As a female provider dedicated to supporting your emotional and mental well-being and growth – I know that the world may have taught you that masculinity means stoicism and emotional suppression, I know that you might feel resistance reading this (which is good, I want to challenge you – resistance can show us our potential growth edges!), AND I encourage you to consider what else could be true. What you want to be true.

One of my favorite reflections to provide is centered around redefining what it means to be a man. I invite you to explore what this could mean for you.

Journal Prompt: “What does it mean to me to be a man?”

You might be surprised with what you come up with.

Big love,

Amanda