By Dr. Kendra O’Hora, Ph.D., LCMFT
Reading Time:  3 minutes 30 seconds

Have you ever thought about whether you are a controlling person?

Perhaps when you hear the world controlling you have a specific person (eek) that comes to mind – maybe you visualize someone who likes everything just so. Or, maybe you envision  someone who is rigid regarding values, beliefs, or perspectives. High maintenance? Super clean? Type A? A helicopter parent or someone who always has to have the last word. 

Loss of Control is Just Plain Icky!

If you’re like me, you’d really rather not think of yourself as controlling. 

Recently though, I was mulling over how icky loss of control truly feels. Sure, we all enjoy having things our way. We feel we can excel with the highest level of predictability and we can mitigate discomfort if things stay consistent. 

But what happens when we can’t control the details, the outcome, or the process?

Here’s an example…

A Delayed Flight Can Stir Up Loss of Control

Have you ever been stuck at an airport when your flight is delayed? Then it’s delayed again. Then again. Maybe even (gulp) cancelled. It’s awful, just awful. No where to go but to wait. 

Maybe that form of loss of control stirs up feelings of frustration, boredom, agitation,  inconvenience, or grief over something missed as a result of the situation.

In reality, loss of control does make us feel many of these emotions and more. 

Government Shutdown – Mega Loss of Control

I’m particularly mindful of our clients locally (but really all government workers nationwide) who have been furloughed during the government shutdown. 

Whether you’re for or against the government shutdown, loads of people, and I mean loads (to the tune of 3 million) have had to tango with loss of control this Fall. 

The Most Intense Loss of Control (to me)

In reality, I’m just like you … wrestling with my own versions of loss of control. For me, in this season of life, it’s labor. 

It might seem odd given that I’ve had three other babies in the last four years, two successfully delivered at home…so, why would I be nervous for this labor and birth, in particular?

Because recently I realized that nothing really makes me feel loss of control quite like birth. Oddly enough, my water has broken for each of my labors (this occurs in less than 15% of pregnancies). While uncommon for many pregnant women, it has always been my very clear signal that labor has begun. And then the reality sets in…

The only way out is through. 

Ultimately, there’s nothing to be done. There’s nothing to slow it down, end it, prevent it, or escalate it. In its most natural or biological form, labor unfolds, progresses, and eventually heightens to the point of delivery. 

Sure, many women will choose paths that help mitigate some of the discomforts, challenges, or risks of labor. Perhaps because it’s the healthiest route for them and Baby, which totally makes sense. And yet for others they mitigate discomfort in labor and delivery because the loss of control feels absolutely terrifying.

To be honest, it does for me, too. But my personal convictions, my raw experiences, and my sheer willpower persist deep in me on an instinctual level. I know another natural, home birth  is the best path for me and Baby *even if* I have to do my own dance (more like, wrestle or full fledged battle) with loss of control. 

When Control and Surrender Meet

So, what is there to do? Simply put, surrender. 

Surrender can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. I love this shorthand definition – releasing your resistance. 

There could be 234989234823 more blogs on loss of control, how to navigate it, and how to surrender. Ya know, mindfulness, meditation, physical activity or rest, blah blah blah. 

All useful, very very useful. 

AND, sometimes we need to start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. 

We loattheeee loss of control. Does that mean we are “controlling” by nature? Maybe, maybe not. But it does mean we are one step closer to being able to work with it. We’re one step further on the self-awareness journey because we’re not trying to dupe anyone, or more important ourselves, into thinking we are flex-i-ble. 

Likely, you aren’t. Likely, you have your own version of labor that scares the socks of ya. Likely, there’s some realm of your life where the thought of “the only way out is through” is truly immobilizing. 

And the sooner you can connect with that fear and reality, the sooner you can be on the journey toward surrender and consciously working with your relationship to control. 

If you’re ready to acknowledge that control plays a role in your life then head over to www.wellnessandco.org and schedule a free consultation with one of our team members. 

Our team of coaches and therapists are here and ready to help you navigate how control came to take root in your life and how to begin uncovering your potential to release your resistance.

See you again soon,

Dr. K

Kendra O'Hora( PhD, LCMFT )

Dr. K started Wellness & Co. with the desire to provide top-notch therapy to our local community. Now, Wellness & Co., has therapists, coaches, tutors, and professional organizers – all to provide wrap-around, boutique style care to our clients. Dr. K specializes in couples therapy, healing from infidelity, and supporting individuals through relational transitions.