By Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach, CLC, M.NLP
READING TIME: 4 MINUTES
Validating someone you disagree with can feel like letting them pick the music for the car ride when it’s a genre you’re reeeally not into. You might worry that by turning up the volume on their feelings, you’re somehow endorsing every lyric. But here’s the truth – validation isn’t actually about agreeing. Nope, I tricked ya with the title (hehe), validation is about recognizing your partner’s emotional experience. Like with music, we don’t need to challenge why they like that artist. It’s about saying, “I see why this song matters to you, and I’m here to listen.”
So how do we validate when every fiber of our being is screaming, “No, you’re wrong!”? The secret lies in creating emotional spaciousness – both for yourself and your partner. Let’s unpack this step by step.
Think of it like being an emotional detective: instead of, “Your feelings don’t make sense,” replace it with, “Tell me more about what’s going on for you.”
Example:
Your partner says, “You never listen to me!”
Your inner voice wants to yell back: “What are you talking about? I listen all the time!” Pause. Breathe. What are they actually feeling? Likely hurt, frustration, or loneliness.
Try this:
“It sounds like you’re feeling unheard, that’s really frustrating. Can you help me understand what’s been making you feel this way?”
See what happened there? You didn’t admit guilt (because maybe you do listen!), but you addressed their feelings. Feelings are never wrong – they’re just signals. And when people feel understood, their defenses soften, making space for a conversation about facts after.
Defensiveness kills connection almost immediately. When we defend, the impression that we give is, “Your feelings are not important.”
To combat this, imagine defensiveness as an overzealous bouncer guarding a nightclub. Sure, it’s there to protect you, but maybe it’s keeping out the VIP guests (like empathy).
Example:
Your partner says, “You always prioritize work over me,” your defensive bouncer might shout, “I work hard for this family!”
Let empathy past security.
Try this:
“It sounds like you’ve been feeling like I’m not present enough lately. I’m sorry, that must feel lonely. How can I support you and show you that you are a priority?”
Defensiveness dissolves when you prioritize connection over being right.
A lil’ tough love: if you can’t sit with your own feelings, you’ll struggle to sit with someone else’s. Yep, I SAID IT. Emotional spaciousness starts with getting comfortable with YOUR discomfort.
Next time your partner is upset, check in with yourself:
Ground yourself. Give your own feelings a metaphorical cup of tea, so you can do the same for theirs.
(I realize this sounds simple but I know it is definitely not easy so if you need support on how to befriend your own feelings, schedule a free consultation with one of our providers!)
Empathy requires you to step out of your own perspective and step into theirs.
Example:
Your partner says, “You didn’t text me back for hours, and it made me feel like you didn’t care.”
You’re tempted to respond, “I was busy, obviously!” Instead, step into their shoes. What would it feel like to be waiting and wondering?
Try this:
“I can see how not hearing from me would make you feel as though I didn’t care. I assure you that’s not the case, but I get why you’d feel that way and I will be more intentional about responding.”
Notice how you can validate their feelings without agreeing with their conclusion.
Step 5: What’s Your Role?
Are You a Fixer or Debater?
Both approaches miss the point. Your partner doesn’t want a solution or to be challenged – they want to feel seen.
Validation isn’t about action or logic – it’s about presence.
The Healing Alternative: The Listener
When you embrace the Listener’s role, you’re not just hearing your partner’s words – you’re seeing their heart. It’s about curiosity, compassion, and connection – not correction. (“Take your time, I want to understand.”)
If validation can be seen as letting your partner pick a song on the playlist you’re both listening to, remember that you may not always love it, but you’re tuning in, creating space for their rhythm, and saying, “I hear you, and I’m here to listen.” When you prioritize their feelings, create room for your own, and offer empathy, you’re building a relationship that’s in harmony, even when the music doesn’t match.
Go ahead, turn up the volume, validate, and let the connection play out. Heck, you might even begin to enjoy it!
Big love,
Amanda
Amanda helps teens, individuals, and couples create secure relationships within themselves and with each other. Her favorite (and most impactful!) tool to use is the Enneagram, which deepens awareness, understanding, and compassion so that we all can continue to foster meaningful connections in our day to day lives, moment by moment.
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