By Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach CLC, MNLP

READING TIME: 4 MINUTES

The older I get (and the more I work with couples) the more I realize the importance of playfulness, pleasure, and presence in our relationships. Life can be really dang hard sometimes, it can be wildly stressful, and in the thick of adulting we can get so lost in the forest that we forget to take time to enjoy the adventure in it all. Seriously – how cool is it to be an adult? We’re privileged to get to spend every night having sleepovers with our lover of a best friend! Can we just take a second to appreciate that?!

Now, I’m not discounting the relational troubles that we experience. And how sometimes we’re really struggling in our partnerships. I work every day with couples navigating infidelity, addiction, intense conflict, communication issues, and a lack of intimacy. Couples stuck in painful cycles. Couples feeling disconnected and not knowing how to find their way back to one another. Couples who don’t feel like lovers or best friends.

But that’s why we do this work, this beautiful healing work, of learning how to heal, grow, and co-create a solid bond together…so we can enjoy life, and each other, again!

In his research, Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, coined the term the ‘magic ratio of 5:1’. Initially this was intended for use in conflict – that for every negative interaction during a conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. But many (including myself)  have translated this into use for our daily relational  interactions – for every one negative interaction, we want to have 5 (or more) positive interactions.

Regardless of what I’m supporting my couples in, over time I become very intentional about having them integrate the 3 P’s into their relationship – playfulness, pleasure, and presence. We are by no means bypassing the deep healing work necessary to truly transform their relationship…it’s both/and. 

We both can learn how to:

• Have the hard conversations with less reactivity and more compassion
• Understand our  trauma and how it impacts us
• Rebuild trust and safety

AND can learn how to:

• Embrace playfulness
• Increase pleasure
• Be truly present together

ALL of this is needed for a conscious and connected relationship.

I often think of the quote by Harv Eker, “Where attention goes, energy flows and results show.” If we don’t intentionally integrate positive interactions into our lives, it’s very easy to stay stuck in the painful cycles. SO, let’s get a lil’ action oriented – I’m all about tangible results and taking those steps. Heck, that’s part of why I’m here doing what I do…to hold you accountable!

Some ways to increase your positive interactions (and invite in more playfulness, pleasure, and presence!):

• Find a shared hobby to engage in with one another – learning new skills and doing fun things together is a fantastic way to increase intimacy. My partner and I love dirt biking. This is also super helpful for figuring out  how to work through, and support each other, in stressful and difficult situations which directly impacts us in our day to day lives.
• Have a pillow fight – jump around on the bed and let loose!
• Flirt –  send a sexy text, caress their leg while you’re eating dinner, give them a suggestive look.
• Cook together – add in some singing, dancing, and silliness with this one!
• Leave cute notes for each other to find –  around the house, in their car or lunch, on the bathroom mirror.
• Do a game night – healthy competition is always a good time hehe.
• Have a movie marathon and a sleepover in the living room – grab your fav snacks, build a pillow fort, and throw on some nostalgic films.
• Practice eye gazing – sit in a comfortable position facing your partner, set a timer for 2 minutes to start, you can hold hands or put a hand on each other’s heart, look into their eyes, soften your gaze, breathe deeply and in sync, end the gaze when the timer goes off.
• Engage in pillow talk – leave some time at the end of the night, maybe 30 minutes, talk about what you appreciate about each other, what made you fall in love, what your dreams are for the future, what you’re both feeling, and anything else that tickles your fancy.
• Greet each other when you come home – jump up, give ‘em a big hug and a smooch, tell them you missed them.
• Decompress together – sit down for 15 minutes at the end of your day and talk about the peaks and valleys + how you can support each other.
• Give massages – and if you don’t have the energy for it then buy one of those fancy massage guns (no excuses!)
• Read a book together – this could be inner work focused or more for entertainment, discuss it as you go!
• Go for walks or bike rides – take the pups and/or the kiddos and breathe in the world around you.
• Schedule sex – sometimes people don’t like this but I really like to challenge them on it! Do you remember how exciting dating was when you were looking forward to seeing each other all week and you just knew it was going to happen? Yeah…put it in the calendar and get excited about exploring each other’s bodies! Add in some toys or read a book on tantra…you’re welcome.
• Resume what you loved to do as kids – let your inner child outtt! And check out this blog by Rebecca to channel more of those innate qualities that are calling for you.

Okok…I have endless ideas and could keep going but I don’t want to give you information overload! If you want to dive into this more, I’d love to support you.

My hope is that you read this and start (or continue) prioritizing your relationship and insert more playfulness, more pleasure, and more presence. Remember, it’s both/and. We both work through the negative AND add in the positive.

Here’s to doing the deep work with a light heart + feeling like lovers and best friends again!

Big love,

Amanda