by Amanda Clegg, Relationship Coach, CLC, M.NLP

READING TIME: 5 MINUTES

This statement always gets a laugh from my clients after they tell me they don’t like it, they’re afraid of it, or they don’t want to feel it. But I do, I reeeally love anger. And I’m not talkin’ about the explosive, yelling, swearing, slamming doors, or throwing things – which is what comes to mind when many of us think about anger.

No, I’m referring to the emotion of anger alone and the benefits that it can provide us with, if we are willing to listen to it. It’s one of the most POWERFUL feelings that we can experience and can teach us so much about ourselves.

First, A Lil’ Bit About Emotions:

Emotions are energy in motion. And if we don’t feel them? Well, they just get recycled into our bodies and then can manifest as illness; anxiety, depression, disease, physical pain, digestive issues, breathing problems, insomnia, chronic fatigue, addiction…the list goes on. 

Emotions are a natural response that occurs when something significant happens to us in our lives. The pattern that many of us learn, for a variety of reasons, is to suppress, repress, and numb out to our feelings. We distract ourselves as a way of coping.

The default response that I often see to emotions is intellectualization. 

Intellectualization is the process by which we use logic to explain our emotions, rather than actually feeling or experiencing them. Sometimes, this is a defense mechanism. And sometimes, we do this because we were never taught how to be with and move through our feelings. 

For example, instead of feeling sadness or grief after a breakup, someone might intellectualize by thinking about why the relationship ended, what lessons they learned, or what they should do next – all without allowing themselves to truly feel the sorrow or loss. Understanding on a cognitive level is certainly important for healing, for changing patterns, and for moving forward in a more conscious way. AND, we must learn how to release trapped emotions in the body so we can heal as a whole – which is why I have a big emphasis on somatic therapy in my work. Learn more about that here!

Ok, Back to Anger!

Here are some of the reasons why I anger:

It gets things MOVING. Anger is an intense emotion. It makes sense why people want to avoid it – it can feel overwhelming. Like a tidal wave that is going to take us over. (This is why I also love the “surfer technique” for beginning to experience feelings – imagine the wave is the emotion and you are the surfer on top of the wave just riding it out until it passes).

This moving energy brings us into our bodies, into our pain, and calls loudly for our attention. It’s letting us know that something isn’t right, that we need to listen, that we need to tend to it with care. Anger is fantastic for starting our emotional healing process. Anger creates more self-awareness, it motivates us to make a change, to stand up for ourselves, to take action on the things that matter, it shows us our boundaries and when they are being crossed, and it can identify deeper, underlying feelings such as sadness or fear.

An exercise I’ll often give to clients who haven’t learned that anger can actually be constructive is to do some good ol’ Googling on the benefits of anger. Try it out – see what you find! I think you’ll be surprised (in a good way!).

Tying It All In: How Do We Feel and Release Anger?

These are examples and practices that I use with clients as we are getting to know their anger – to move out of intellectualization and to truly release painful emotions and experiences.

1. Notice, Pause, Allow:

Notice – What thoughts, feelings, and sensations are present in my body right now? Where is this located in my body?

Pause – Once you’ve located the area of your body that is feeling most activated (e.g. your chest feels heavy, your stomach is in knots, your throat is tight) breathe into or around that area. Focusing on breathing in and down, fully enveloping the reactive part.

Allow – Continue with your breathing, sinking down into your seat or the ground you’re standing on (protip – it’s helpful to place your hand where the emotion is coming from), and just be present with it. No judgment, no trying to figure it out, just staying with yourself and what’s coming up until you notice a shift. From this rooted place, what deeper insights emerge? What conscious action are you being guided into?

2. Release Writing: Write as fast as you can to release your emotion (without any judgment). When you’re done, rip out or burn the paper.

3. Act As If: Act as if the person you  want to express your emotions at is in front of you, so you can release. You will know you are done when you feel an emotional shift.

4. The Movie Screen Technique: This is a great tool to be with past memories. Imagine a blank movie screen, where you can go to a moment in your past and deal with unresolved emotions. Here you get to be with this experience in a new way, you can reframe the scene and change the outcome, alter how you showed up, or step in with compassion.

I know anger can feel scary, I know that you may feel guilty for being angry, I know that you may fear losing control when you’re angry, I know that you may have never felt safe to express anger…but I invite you to see it in a different way. I invite you to see anger as a gift, pointing you inside to the places that need healing, to the places that need your love.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with a few journal prompts to be able to understand your own specific resistance to anger.

1. What was the reaction of people around you when you got angry?
2. What were you told about being angry?
3. What beliefs do you think you formed about expressing anger?
4. What do you do today with your anger?
5. What would you like to do with it instead?

If you want a safe space to process your anger, reach out for a free consultation. Creating safety in the body and comfort in emotions is one of my FAV ways to support clients. I’m here for you.

Big love,

Amanda