By Kyle Turner, LGPC

READING TIME: 4 minutes

I often encounter interactions like this during my intakes:

Me: “What brings you to therapy?”

Client: “I just wanna have a normal relationship. Be normal. You know, fit in.”

Me: “And what’s ‘normal’ for you?”

Client: …

Clock: tick-tock

Client: …

Crickets: chirp chirp

Now, it’s not every client, but it happens enough to give me pause. “Normal” sounds harmless on the surface, right? It’s a solid operational descriptor for oil temperatures and water pressures and other machine parameters, but humans? Let’s give ourselves some credit here: we’re a little more complicated than that.

When folks tell me they want to be normal, what they usually mean is that they want to blend in with what they think is socially acceptable. They say “normal”, but what they really mean is “average” or “typical” or “unremarkable.” But, here’s the kicker – their idea of normal is way off:

• The so-called normal person in the U.S. lives in a household with a six figure debt [1], spends nearly four full hours glued to their cell phone every day[2], and consumes nearly 50 pounds of sugar each year [3]. And yet, by some bizarre stroke of fate, not one client has ever kicked my office door and bellowed “Kyle, my life goal is to rack up a six-figure debt, spend more time doom scrolling, and eat my body weight in sweets annually!” Weird, right?
• As for “normal” relationships, here’s a reality check: 70% of unmarried couples break up within two years[4], half of all marriages never make it to the 20-year mark [5], and most adults hit the low point of their relationships in their 40’s (or after ten years of marriage) [6]. So, if you’re a middle-aged couple coming to therapy and you’re aiming for that “normal” relationship upgrade, guess what? You’re already the exception, not the rule.
• The whole idea of wanting to be “normal” reinforces a narrative of feeling like an outsider. Every time someone says, “I wish I could be normal,” they’re telling themselves a story that only makes them feel more isolated. It’s like they’re giving themselves a label – “different” or “weird” – and sticking themselves in an outsider group.

A lot of these issues come from something called perception bias, where our brains twist incoming data to match what we already expect. Somehow Ryan Gosling and Amy Adams have us all convinced that kissing in the rain is a better relationship than setting healthy boundaries, communicating respectfully and intentionally, or doing any of the non-Notebooky stuff we’ll actually work on in therapy.

So, if you’re seeking out therapy because you’re feeling like the odd one out, you’re struggling with social interactions, or you’re finding it tough to meet societal expectations (especially when it comes to relationships), here’s the deal: “Normal” is fallacy. Save it for engine oil temperature and water pressure. Embrace your quirks, be yourself, and remember, fitting in isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Therapy isn’t about making you normal; it’s about helping you be the best version of your wonderfully unique self. So this year, instead of resolving to change something about yourself, resolve to change your view of “normal” – you might be surprised by the results.

Until next time,

Kyle

Citations

[1] Fay, B. (2023, December 4). Debt in america: Statistics and demographics. Debt.org. https://www.debt.org/faqs/americans-in-debt/demographics/

[2] Howarth, J. (2023, December 4). Time spent using smartphones (2024 statistics). Exploding Topics. https://explodingtopics.com/blog/smartphone-usage-stats

[3] American Heart Association. (2023, May 10). How much sugar is too much?. www.heart.org. https://www.heart.org/en/healthy-living/healthy-eating/eat-smart/sugar/how-much-sugar-is-too- much

[4] Rosenfeld, Michael J., Reuben J. Thomas, and Sonia Hausen. 2023. How Couples Meet and Stay Together 2017-2020-2022 combined dataset. [Computer files]. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Libraries. https://data.stanford.edu/hcmst2017

[5] Copen, C. E., & Daniels, K. (2012, March 22). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006–2010 national … First Marriages in the United States: Data From the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf

[6] Bühler, J. L., Krauss, S., & Orth, U. (2021). Development of relationship satisfaction across the life span: A systematic review and meta-analysis.Psychological Bulletin, 147(10), 1012–1053. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000342