By Jenna Ferri, LCPC
Reading Time: 9 minutes

Did you know that gaslighting was the Merriam-Webster “Word of the Year” in 2022? That may not come as too much of a surprise, considering we hear this word thrown around everywhere these days. The problem, though, with words and phrases becoming part of the mainstream vernacular is that they often lose or stray from their actual, original meaning and their usefulness can become diluted. So let’s take a little crash course on understanding this word, including both what it is and what it isn’t, and helping you to identify specific behavioral patterns that may help you to finally answer the question of: “Am I being gaslit?”

According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is, by definition, “the psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts.” Similarly, and from a clinical lens, the Cleveland Clinic defines gaslighting as, “a specific form of emotional abuse and mental manipulation that disrupts your ability to trust others and yourself.” 

Let’s break. this. down.

• Psychological manipulation is a form of intentional, emotional abuse on the part of the gaslighter.
• The gaslighter is seeking power and control in the relationship, and they project their own insecurities onto the gaslightee.
• By controlling interpersonal interactions, the gaslighter is able to regulate their own emotions (i.e., shift feelings of shame off of themselves and onto another) and achieve a sense of power and control.
• The end result of this is the gaslightee questioning and doubting their own reality and sanity. They might begin to think, “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m the one not seeing things correctly.”

What people sometimes miss when trying to recognize gaslighting is the two-step process — gaslighting entails BOTH denying reality AND actively working to insult and verbally abuse the other person for thinking and feeling the way they do. In essence, the gaslighter is saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re an idiot.” It’s a “one-two punch,” so to speak.

Another way to think about this? All gaslighters lie, but not all liars gaslight. 

Lying is the denial of reality or objective truth.

Gaslighting denies reality and undermines the target by chipping away at their sense of self and reality – with lines like, “What’s wrong with you? I’m concerned. You need some help. You’re crazy for thinking that I would say that.”

Seeing it In Action

Let’s walk through an example together to better illustrate the difference.

Jane is feeling upset and angry because her husband, Roberto, is late coming home from work…again. This is a pattern for Roberto; he asserts that he is staying late to catch up on important projects, but Jane notices the receipts and bank statements detailing Roberto’s mid-week drinks with colleagues and booked hotel rooms. Despite this evidence of something nefarious going on, she tries her best to forget about these details and focus on the positive aspects of their marriage. Jane told Roberto earlier in the week that she was preparing a special dinner for their anniversary on Wednesday evening, and pleaded with him to be home on time that evening, just for once, so that they could sit down and enjoy an uninterrupted meal together. Roberto agreed that he would make this a priority (“Of course I’ll be home for dinner! I would never miss our special day!”). It is now 7:30pm on Wednesday evening and Roberto still hasn’t gotten home from work. She tried calling him several times, but his phone went directly to voicemail. Jane is left to eat the dinner she worked so hard to prepare by herself, and is feeling all of the feelings — disappointment, anger, hurt, but especially anxiety as she mulls over in her brain the “best” way to approach this when Roberto does get home.

Here’s what lying would look like in this scenario:

Jane: Roberto, you promised that you would be home for dinner on time tonight. I worked really hard on this meal, and all I wanted to do was celebrate our anniversary tonight with just the two of us. It makes me feel unappreciated when you don’t take your commitments to me seriously.

Roberto: What? I never said that I would be home by 6pm. I told you that I had to stay this evening to finish up a project.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, might sound like this:

Jane: Roberto, you promised that you would be home for dinner on time tonight. I worked really hard on this meal, and all I wanted to do was celebrate our anniversary tonight with just the two of us. It makes me feel unappreciated when you don’t take your commitments to me seriously.

Roberto: What? I never said that I would be home by 6pm. I told you that I had to stay this evening to finish up a project. Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You seem to be forgetting a lot of things recently. And you know that I work so hard to provide for and support our family. I would think that you should be able to recognize and appreciate all of the hard work and late hours I put in (Jane then apologizes for being upset with him, and goes on to explain that she does, in fact, appreciate all of his hard work, and that she wants to do a better job of showing this to him).

Do you see the difference? In the first scenario, Roberto is simply denying reality and, well…lying (because he did tell Jane that he would be home on time). In the second scenario, however, he takes things a step further by trying to get Jane to question herself, and quite frankly, make her feel crazy. Which is exactly what gaslighting is — it’s crazy-making. It makes the gaslightee question the reality of the situation. Oftentimes people will say to me, “Jenna, we started in one place and by the end of the conversation, I don’t even know what we were talking about anymore or how we got there!”

Red Flags in Conversation

Here are some common gaslighting phrases to look out for:

• “You’re just too sensitive.”
• “It’s not that big of a deal.”
• “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem off. I think you need help.”
• “Can’t you just take a joke?”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
• “I don’t actually think that is what you are feeling.”
• “You’re the problem here, not me.”

But why? WHY would anyone do this?

Different forms of gaslighting work to serve different purposes – and while they may look and sound different, they all help the gaslighter to achieve a sense of power and control over the relationship.

The gaslighter might be trying to minimize the other person’s emotions if they say, “You’re being too sensitive.”

The gaslighter might be trying to doubt someone’s commitment when they say, “I guess you don’t really care about this relationship if you’re actually considering going out with your friends tonight.”

Stonewalling, or refusing to engage in a conversation or conflict when a concern arises, may sound like, “Don’t tell me that again. I don’t want to hear it.”

A gaslighter may also try to create competition between their pain and yours by saying something like, “I can’t believe you’re complaining about the things your mother does for you. I don’t even have my mom in my life.”

“Playing judge and jury” is another common tactic that occurs amongst gaslighters, such that they feel entitled to determine what another person is or is not allowed to feel (e.g., “You have no right to feel that way”).

Creating diversion, another common way for gaslighting to show up, may sound like, “Listen, if we are going to talk about me working late, then why don’t we talk about that time you went on vacation with your friend and stayed an extra day.”

The gaslighter may also try to create triangulated communication between you and someone else that you care about by saying something like, “It seems like you are getting some crazy ideas from your mother/therapist/friend/etc.”

 “I get it. I’m wrong. I’m always the one who is a bad person. Everything is my fault” is a tactic for the gaslighter to shift themselves into the role of victim.

And, among others, a common one that is easy to overlook — the gaslighter doing things to deliberately manipulate the environment, such as hiding or damaging something and then questioning the other person about it.

People will sometimes say, “Well, sure. I would also love to feel a sense of power and control in my relationships, but it just doesn’t work that way. I don’t treat people like that. I don’t do those things.”

And this is so valid. As humans, it feels good to achieve a sense of control and to feel powerful in some ways, but a few key components of healthy relationships (key word: healthy) is a sense of mutuality and intersubjectivity. This means that both partners are mutually contributing to and respecting the agreed upon rules of the relationship, and that there can be space for both individuals to have their own unique experiences, realities, and feelings without one taking precedence over the other.

But when we observe chronic patterns of gaslighting in a relationship, mutuality and intersubjectivity are usually not present, leaving the gaslightee to feel as though their thoughts, opinions, perspectives, and feelings simply don’t matter as much as their partner’s (if they matter at all).

And we can spend hours digging into how people get to this point and why gaslighters operate in this manner. Truthfully, this goes beyond the scope of today’s read, and also detracts our focus from your pain and lived experience back again to that of the gaslighter – leaving us stuck in the loop of focusing on their pain and their motivations.

The gist of it is this: people who gaslight are often acting out of their own pain, insecurity, and past experiences. This does not excuse their behavior, but there is a larger context behind it. Their motivations are complex, but rather than focusing solely on trying to understand the psychology of someone who engages in these behaviors, I hope your takeaway can be this: you are not the source of this person’s actions. You didn’t cause them. You are not responsible for them. What is important to acknowledge is that these patterns are not okay and they are causing you harm, and that you deserve to have healthy relationships in which your experiences are honored and perceived as valid.

From Confusion to Clarity and Confidence

On paper, gaslighting seems easy to identify, right? But when you’re the one who is in it…really in the thick of it, in the context of a relationship (romantic, familial, or otherwise) that is supposed to be built on a foundation of trust, it is much more difficult to pinpoint, and easier to get lost in the weeds of what is true and what isn’t.

But you’re not alone. And it is possible to untangle this ball of yarn into a coherent story that makes sense to you — one that leaves you being able to trust yourself, your reality, and your instincts, and reinforces the fact that…no, you’re not crazy.

If you think you are possibly being gaslit in any of your relationships, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1.     Would I allow a stranger, a friend, or a colleague to treat me in this way given the context of the situation? (In other words, is this person being reasonable?).

2.     Is this a relationship that is characterized by trust and loyalty – and if so, could this be skewing my perception of it?

3.     How emotionally invested are you in this relationship? Could this investment be making it harder for me to recognize when behavior crosses a line?

And you do not have to try and make sense of this on your own. In fact, I hope that you don’t try to do this, because if you have been receiving messages constantly throughout the course of your relationships that you are “too much,” “don’t know what you’re talking about,” or are “too sensitive,” then, well…your assessment of yourself and your own abilities will be skewed.

If you resonate with any or all of the information in this post, I hope that you can feel safe and comfortable enough to take the first step of seeking therapy and support. Taking back your own power and creating your own sense of self is like kryptonite to the gaslighter, and we all know what happens to Superman if he’s exposed to kryptonite, right? Maybe you can become your own “Superman.”

Ready to reclaim your power? Schedule a consultation here and start building your own sense of clarity and strength.

Jenna Ferri( LCPC )

Jenna is passionate about helping individuals find their voice and inner strength to heal from relational trauma and develop a healthy sense of self. She uses somatic interventions, like EMDR and ego-states work, to help her clients learn more about themselves on a deeper level to build self-trust and make lasting change.