By Rebecca Horch, BACYC, CPC
Reading Time: 8 minutes

When I first sit down with clients, and we are discussing what they hope for out of our work together, many times their first instinct is to focus on fixing or changing behavior. 

“If I could just stop repeating this pattern.”  
“If my partner could just get better at listening.”  
“If I could just figure out how to get my kid to stop lying.” 

What we don’t always understand is that underneath our behavior there is a function that is attempting to meet a need. All behavior has meaning, and when we stop focusing only on changing behavior and start getting curious about what function it is serving, even if that function is misguided, we move into a much deeper understanding of ourselves and the people around us. 

Of course, there is always more to the story than just the function itself. Behaviors grow out of  lived experiences, trauma, relationships, environments, or even a lack of tools and education. Those roots matter, but for this piece the focus is on the “what” of behavior: the function it is serving in the moment. Understanding the function gives us a starting point to move from  frustration into curiosity.

When we understand that behavior is a form of functional communication, we can start to ask not “Why is this happening again?” but “What job is this behavior doing right now?”  

In behavioral science there are four main functions of behavior. Looked at on their own, these can feel mechanical, almost like behavior is just something to be managed. But behavior is not simply something to fix. When we also see how it is shaped by our stories and our relationships, we can respond with more curiosity and compassion and create lasting change. Holding both lenses together gives us a more human way of making sense of what is happening and allows us to respond in ways that honor both the nervous system and the relationship. 

The Four Functions of Behavior

1. Escape or Avoidance 

The drive here is to get away from something that feels too much. For kids, this might look like refusing homework, running from the room when asked to clean up, or shutting down when emotions are high. For adults, it might be walking away mid-argument, changing the subject, or scrolling on a phone to avoid feelings of conflict or overwhelm. The behavior is not about defiance. It is about protection, about escaping an experience that feels unsafe or unbearable. 

2. Attention

At the heart of this function is connection. It is often labeled as “attention-seeking,” but really it is relationship-seeking. A child might whine, yell, or act out when a parent is distracted, or a teen might push buttons to get a reaction rather than be ignored. Adults do this too: repeating themselves when they feel unheard, raising their voice, or picking a fight just to get a partner’s eyes on them. The behavior may be clumsy, but the need is simple, to be seen, heard, and valued.

3. Access or Autonomy 

Sometimes behavior is about securing something tangible or protecting our own sense of control. A child might throw a tantrum at the store for a toy, or argue for a later bedtime. An adult might insist on “just one more email” before ending the workday, or push for control of the remote or the schedule. This drive for access or autonomy often stems from survival instincts, the need to feel capable of influencing our world. 

4. Sensory or Self-Soothing 

This function is about regulating the nervous system. Children may chew their nails, rock, hum, or bounce. Adults may pace, take long showers, pour a drink, or zone out with TV or social media. Sometimes these strategies are adaptive, sometimes less so, but the purpose is the same: to calm, stimulate, or numb the system when it feels out of balance. 

A Familiar Scene 

You finally sit down with your partner at the end of the day. Your child calls out from the bedroom. Your chest tightens, your thoughts speed up, and you feel frazzled. You start thinking, “He’s never going to go to sleep, but if I spend too much time in his room I’ll miss my break, and then I’ll feel guilty for not spending time with my partner.” Meanwhile your heart rate climbs, your tone sharpens, and you feel like you are going to snap. 

If we slow that tape, the urge to snap or shut down is serving a function. It is trying to escape overwhelm and protect you from the fear of failing at both parenting and partnering. From an evolutionary perspective, escape was the safest option when something felt like “too much”. That protective move makes sense, even if it is not always helpful. 

When a nervous system is lit up like this, skills and problem-solving only come back online after the body settles. A couple of deep breaths, intentionally softening your voice, or slowing your pace can help you return to regulation.  

A tiny tool I often teach is the physiological sigh: two short inhales through the nose, then a long slow exhale through the mouth. Just one or two rounds can bring the system down  enough to choose a different response.

For parents, this is not about talking kids out of feelings. It is about helping the body feel safe enough to learn something new. Dan Siegel describes this as connecting first so the brain can be  receptive, then teaching. That approach fits beautifully with the functions lens, because connection often meets the true need the behavior is signaling. 

I also come back often to this simple truth: most of us do well if we can.

When behavior that feels out of sync with our values or shows up in unhelpful patterns keeps  repeating, it usually means there is a lagging skill, an unsolved problem, or a nervous system that is overwhelmed. Curiosity about the function opens doors to clarity that control alone cannot provide.

Integration

Understanding the functions of behavior is only the first step. Integration is what happens when we accept these functions as protective and allow that understanding to move from our head into our body. Knowing is not enough. Integration is about embodying the lived experience of this knowledge, letting our body practice staying present in moments when protective behaviors want to take over.

Here are some questions to begin exploring the functions in everyday life:

• What was I trying to protect myself from in that moment? 

• What function did I use to protect myself, was I avoiding, reaching for attention, pushing for access or control, or trying to self-soothe? 

Was this behavior adaptive or maladaptive? In other words, did it help me cope in a way that was useful and healthy, or did it create more disconnection, stress, or difficulty in the long run? 

• How might I meet that need more directly, without the behavior taking over?

• What would compassion toward myself, or toward the other person, look like here? 

Not all protective behaviors are negative. Sometimes they are exactly what we need in the moment to get through. Other times they may keep us stuck or cause harm in ways we do not  intend. The point of exploring the function is not to judge ourselves, but to get clearer on the job our behavior is trying to do, and then decide whether it is really working. 

These questions can be used personally, in relationships, and even with children. For yourself,  they bring awareness to the protective role your behaviors are playing. In relationships, they help you pause before taking things personally and instead get curious about what your partner may be trying to protect. With kids, they create space to see behavior as communication, so you can  respond to the underlying need instead of only reacting to the surface. 

Integration is not about perfection. It is about noticing the meaning underneath behavior and allowing that awareness to soften our reactions. When we practice this lens consistently, we begin to see that most behaviors, whether in us, our partners, or our children, are not the enemy. They are protectors, pointing us back toward the real need. 

If this lens lands with you, try it in the small, ordinary moments. When you notice behavior that feels out of sync, pause and ask what job it is doing. Escape, attention, access, or soothing. Take a deep breath, offer yourself a bridge back into connection, and remember this is not about being calm all the time. It is about respecting the nervous system enough to listen.

With practice, behavior shifts from survival to growth, and relationships feel safer for everyone.

Until next time, Rebecca

Rebecca Horch( BACYC, CPC )

Rebecca strives to support others in building resilience, self-compassion, connected relationships and self-awareness. She loves to work with people who are ready for the hard work of inner growth and is passionate about helping others tap into their intuitive gifts and use them in this world.

Book a Free Consult